petuhpahn

Jeremy: Can I call you?
Me: Why call me if your texting me?
Jeremy: Because some things are better said in person
Me: Over the phone isn’t in person
Jeremy: I think I’m falling for you.
Me: ….

I don’t like where this is going at all.

I’ve somewhat been avoiding Jeremy, since you know….last time, but it’s hard. After all he’s become a pretty good friend of mine. It’s just, so complicated and everything is happening so quickly.

To be honest, I’m not really the type of girl that has friends. I’ve been a loner most of my life until this year. I decided I’d break out of my shell since I can’t live my entire high school career like this now can I? Sometimes I get so lonely by myself, not really having anyone to call a close friend. Sure I have a great sister, mother and father, who love me very much. But they all have their own agendas. I got tired of clinging onto them as if I was attached by the umbilical cord. I just wanted to fit into society, make a few friends, live an actual life worth living, but who knew it’d be so hard? Sometimes i wonder if I’m just better off by myself….

Smoke picked me up two days ago, claiming that he was lonely, and we just went to the park and talked. We talked about our Christmas, New Years Resolution, all that jazz. I mean in a sense, he was carefree-ish, but I felt like something just wasn’t right. Isn’t that always the case? Isn’t there always something not right?

Awkward…

“So what’s up with you and Jeremy, eh?”

You know that moment whee someone says something that completely takes you off guard, and you have no idea what to say? Yeah, it was something like that where my mouth just hung open as my mind automatically started crossing out phrases to say. Finally when I couldn’t think of anything, i jus  started coughing. Uncontrollably coughing, to the point where I sounded like a tuberculosis patient.

“Are you ok?” He patted my back looking at me with concerned eyes.

“Yes…,” I mumbled.

You see grotesquely coughing to avoid a conversation never fails.

“Well then answer the question.”

….Almost always.

“What question?”

Option B – Pretend you have dementia and can’t remember what is going on Maybe he’ll just say nevermi…

“It’s funny that you think of me to be a stupid guy. You ma’am are quite mistaken.”

Plan thwarted.

“You know what’s funny? The fact that you’re always changing up the way you talk, the words you use, and the accent you speak in. Are you even American?” I was being totally serious when I asked that. From the first day we met, I remember him kissing my hand and asking me to call him Flame. His mannerisms are so stupid and silly. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether he’s a person, or a walking international Television set.

“Well then,” he said in a British accent, “I do believe that Sir Jeremy can try as hard as he can, but you my dear are my prize to win.” He then wrapped his arm around my shoulders and skipped me all the way to the car.

“Prize? What the…I’m not a prize?!?!?”

Fast forward to about an hour ago.

Jeremy: I think I’m falling for you.
Jeremy: Puck…?
Jeremy: Should I call you?

And he did. He called, but I didn’t answer. I let that sucker ring all three times, because I didn’t know what to say. Quite frankly, I don’t have feelings for either of them….but at the same time, I can’t say that I don’t not have feelings as well. Does that even make sense?

Times like these I wish I could just go back to my old self. Go back to the life I knew, when I was really the only one I knew. But everyone’s so happy for me. Last night I heard my mom talking to my grandpa, about how this summer I really blossomed up. HOw I’m starting to act like a “normal teenager.” What’s that supposed to mean? Did I have some type of defect before?

It seems like my people to ignore list is just getting bigger.

Jeremy
Smoke
Grandpa (he just asks too many question…)

I’ve eaten so much food over the past week, my stomach is the size of a pregnant woman!

I hate a lot of things about my body, sometimes especially my weight, which is why I think I can sympathize with those who suffer from eating disorders. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a pro ana blog, no no no, I do not endorce starving yourself in anyway. But I do believe that if we alllook back there, we can all find that one time in life where we’ve felt the same way. That time where you didn’t eat all day, just for the saike of looking good, or you thought to yourself that you wihs you could throw your meal back up, to prevent yourself from that uncomfortable feeling of contentment.

What you’ve never experienced that?

Don’t lie to me, I think everyone has. At least every girl anyway.

What separates me from someone who has the mindset that they we’ll never be skinny enough? The people I surround myself with. Yeah, most of my friends are tinier and cuter than me, but I love them anyway, and they accept me for who I am. And ofcourse there are little moments of my life that I love to hold onto.

Saturday I went ice skating again. I’ve been on the ice about three times a week just for fun. Once I go back to school it will be time to get ready for tryouts for our school team. I’m pretty confident I’ll make it since I am good (I mean that in a non-pompous way), but regardless I’d like to stay in shape a bit.

As for staying in shape…that’s gone a bit haywire. As I’ve said, I’ve spent the past week eating nothing but junk, therefore my body looks like nothing but junk. Not only is it sickening to watch your body physically grow, but I thin that what I’m eating is making me sick as well, so I wasn’t too surprised when I threw up Saturday.

Wait what?

Backtrack.

So Jeremy and I were in the lobby of the ice-skating rink eating cheese fries (98% synthetic cheese of course), when I just couldn’t keep it down. I felt it coming up, and I covered my mouth with my hands, but low and behold, lunch came out in the form of projectile vomit. It was disgustingly putrid, and more importantly, all over Jeremy and the cheese fries.

That was perhaps the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me in the presence of a guy. To hide my embarrassment I went to cover my face with my hand….bad idea. My hand also had traces of puke in it, and now the puke was in my hair and on my face. I don’t think you understand the severity of this situation. I have never in my entire life been so embarrassed.

Luckily, Jeremy didn’t seem to mind it so much. I mean obviously he minded since there was puke on his jacket, and his cheese fries, which he paid for, but he didn’t show it. He just quickly grabbed some paper towels to clean up the mess and told me to go to the bathroom, to wash myself off.

Dammit! I’ve never felt like such a loser in my entire life! Sometimes do you ever feel like your such a big idot that it hurts? There should be a set of limitations on how embarrassed one person should be able to feel in one night.

I probably spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom before i came out. Part of it was me moaning, the other part of it was trying to wash the puke out of my hair in a sink. It’s not a very easy task. However, I did come out, and there he was standing right by the door with a concerned look on his face.

“Are you ok?”

I hate it when people ask that question. Obviously I’ve gone through enough embarrassment there’s no need to bring attention to whatever had just happened.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” I couldn’t even look him in the eye it was so bad. I could feel my pale face flaming a crimson red. Oh the curse of being a red head with freckles!

“Ok, well…I think I’m going to take you home.”

“Oh no! I’m fine, you don’t have to take me home!” No need for me to ruin your night…

“I think I have to,” he looked down at his shirt, “the smell of puke won’t escape this.”

Facepalm. There I go again, thinking the world revolves around me. Of course he has to go home to change his shirt. I just friggen projectile vomited all over it.

“Eh…right. Let’s go.”

We could’ve walked home, but it was pretty cold, so Jeremy called up Smoke. I would’ve called my sister, but she was studying for SAT’s and Jeremy insisted that we get a ride and not walk home. I didn’t see what the big deal was, but I guess it’s not my call since I do live closer to the rink and all.

“You were right, skating with you was no fun,” he said while we were outside waiting on the benches. I had warned him before, that I prefer to go alone, since that’s just what I do. I skate alone.

“First of all I couldn’t keep up with you, secondly you refused to take any breaks, and lastly, the one time that we do take a break you have to blow up like a volcano filled with cheese.”

Way to lay it on thick. I couldn’t think of anything to say, since sorry didn’t really seem like the appropriate answer. After all, I told him not to come, I don’t see why he would have wanted to anyway. We both had better things to do, then waste our time with each other.

“I’m just kidding, I had fun….mostly. The ending was a bit much though.”

I winced. Can we just stop talking about this…like now?

And then he kissed me.

Yeah….that happened.

Saturday I experienced my first actual kiss, and it wasn’t even planned. IT hadn’t happened in the way I had expeccted it to or anything, and it wasn’t even the person I would have ever imagined it to happen with. He just did it, and for a moment in time I completely forgot who I was or what I was doing. All I could feel was is warm tongue slipping under mine in this rigid cold. It was as if he was embroidering a foreign symbol into my mouth and it felt so good. For just a bit, I think I experienced a high, without actually getting high. And then….

BEEP

Leave it to Smoke to ruin a perfect moment. There he was, sitting in his large creeper van, honking for us to get in. I was startled, but Jeremy just had a smooth smile on his face….a little too smooth. I could see his eyes moving from my eyes to my lips, with a look of honest yearning. It was embarrassing. Waaaayyyy too much affection for my loveless heart to handle in one day. I quickly stood up and ran inside the van, while he slowly trailed behind me taking his sweet time. I could still feel the warmth of his lips on mine, and I couldn’t help but to touch them. Did this really happen? Is this the way it’s really supposed to work?

And I was silent. Silent for the entire three minute ride. Jeremy was silent too….silently looking at me anyway. Everytime I peaked over at him, he was looking at me as if I was his favorite television show. The more he looked the redder my face got, and the more I wished that I had walked home alone.

It didn’t help that smoke was silent as well. The usual chatter box had the radio blasted high with a look of concentration on his face. IF there was ever a time tha I hated him, it would have been then. The one moment where I wish he could say something, and he could do nothing but look out at the rode.

This whole day was a big mess.

It seemed like a century before I got home, and when I did, I barely bothered to say bye. I didn’t want anyone to get a good look at my boiling red face. SO I just shut the door and did a small sort of wave behind me. I even walked around to the back of the house and waited for the cold to calm my skin down. I don’t know why I was freaking out so much but…I just don’t even know how to describe it. I know I’m fifteen, and I’m acting like a ten year old hwho just held hands with their crush for the first time.

I didn’t even think I liked Jeremy like that, but if one little kiss is enough to make me turn into an elementary school girl, than maybe I should reevaluate our friendship.

More importantly though, what do I say to him?

I haven’t really talked to him since Saturday…at least not face to face anyway. He’s texted me, and I’ve answered some o them, but part of me just wants a break to figure things out….ugh…so complicated….

Sorry!! I said I’d continue the post, but I got so caught up in the holidays and what not so….yeah….well here is a summary of the rest of the night.

They began setting up for blackjack, and I stood there not knowing what to do. I felt like a lone foreigner on a homogeneous island. Here I was in the large house of a kid I barely know, with his friends I don’t know, supposedly getting ready to play a game of blackjack like we were all buddies. It was, what I could only call, strange. I didn’t know whether to sit down and act like I belonged, or to introduce myself like a dork and go through all the awkward introductions.

I thumbed my cellphone in my back pocket as I stood at the small table. The couch, love seat, and single chair were all occupied by the sprawled teenage bodies filled with pizza and drinks.

“I’m Puck,” I said quietly, not sure how I should go about this.

“And I’m Smoke,” he quickly got out of his seat and took my hand in his. “But you my dear can call me Flame,” and then he exaggeratedly pressed his lips against my hand. I could feel my cheeks flushing; I didn’t know whether too pull away upset,o or to play into this little mind game. Regardless I just stood there dumbfounded as he planted a million kisses up my arm, wondering if he was in the right state of mind.

“Give it a rest, she’s not that cute,” said the Asian Goth in an even tone.  Smoke stopped at the crease of my arm and slowly looked up. “Au contraire, she’s gorgeous. And a nice breath of fresh air,” the last part was directed towards the goth.

“Perhaps you can squeeze between me and my comrade Eric over there. After all it’s not polite to keep a pretty lady waiting.”

What was this? More like who was this? Or even, who talks like this? I could only smile and sit, at this point words completely eluded me. I’m not good with meeting people for the first time, especially when they’re so…strange. I don’t know whether this was purposeful strange, or if it was just some type of a joke to get a kick out of me being confused, but…it was all too confusing for someone like me. I just sat there wishing that I hadn’t come, and that instead I had stayed home and perhaps finished that Japanese movie Chekerachoo!! where I would have had a little bit of adventure in listening to a different language.

“Ahh,” Jeremy said barely looking up from the cards, “Here we have Smoke, Eric, Jacob, Christopher, and Lynn. Guys meet Puck. She’s the nice girl I was talking about from my science class.”

We have science together? I thought it was gym.

“But,” Smoke interjected, “You can call that one dark angel.”

I looked at “Lynn,” but she didn’t even bother to look up. Her eyes looked elegantly glazed over as she spaced out.

“You’re…Japanese, eh?” She sharply turned to me with her dark brown eyes. A part of me wanted to pee in my pants as the entire room went still. Why did I even say that? Way to stereotype, Puck.

“So. desu. ne…” she said slowly. A part of me is scared of this girl, and another part of me wants to know more about her. She just seemed so…exotic….

“Ehh…I don’t speak Japanese…my sister does though. Well at least a lot more than normal people do anyway…”

Her eyes instantly glazed over again and I could tell she was bored of me already. I guess next time, if there is a next time, I’ll have to come up with a much more interesting topic?

It’s been awhile so I can’t even remember how the rest of the night went. I didn’t really talk much. I pretty much didn’t talk at all actually, except to say hit, or stay. ANd then there was that kid Smoke who I couldn’t tell was making fun of me, or hitting on me, but either way it was reallly awkward. School comes around tomorrow, and I don’t want to go, because I don’t want to see them and have that awkward moment of wondering whether I should say hi or not. You know, when you’ve met someone from somewhere once and then you see them again, and you both stare at each other, but you’re not sure what to do….yeah that sort of thing.

My words aren’t even making sense, I’ve must been too tired lately. I should reall check to see if I’m anemic or something.

Well I’ll write tomorrow…maybe.

Since it’s thanksgiving I guess I should be blogging about thanksgiving right? But I don’t want to, and I can blog about whatever I wanna blog about, so I’m not going to. I’ll blog about pre-thanksgiving (but just to let you know thanksgiving was uber great and I’m uber full).

Tuesday was my last day of school, and I was invited to Jeremy’s house ’cause he was having a little house party I guess. I was pretty surprised that I was invited since I’m not friends with him or anything, nor am I friends with any of his friends….nor do I think any of his friends even like me….at all. But I guess I went because I didn’t have anything better to do. I mean I could’ve declined and pretended like I had some great plans when all I would do is sit home all day and watch House, but instead I decided to enjoy myself. Maybe I’d meet someone new, or actually gain a friend or two. You only live once after all, right?

Well my sis dropped me off at his what the GPS said was his place, but I honestly couldn’t believe it. I swear I was dropped in front of the White House…except bigger. I couldn’t even tell where the front entrance was really. There were about three different entrances and I just picked the one in the middle. The entire house looked like something you’d see out of a fairytale. Perfect hedges cut into shapes of animals and people, flowers that seemed to be thriving well despite the chilly winds, and the longest drive way I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Honestly the only thing that was stopping it from being the castle of my childhood stories was the fact that it didn’t have a moat. But then again, there was a lake in the front yard so…

So there I was standing in front of this huge fuckload of a house, not even knowing what to expect. But before I could even knock the door flew open, behind it was his mother with a wine glass in her hand.

“Oh hello! You’re one of Jeremy’s friends aren’t you!” She then turned to yell at absolutely nothing, “Jeremy, it’s one of your friends.” She stepped aside to let me in.

At this moment I wanted to just walk away. I knew that I wasn’t going to like this. It was just going to be another wild party at some rich kids house who have parents that don’t give a hoot. Random make out sessions will be happening everywhere and kids will be pressuring me to smoke or drink, and then when I won’t they’ll start talking about how they wonder I was even invited, since I’m not cool enough. I could feel the tears of the entire last year stinging my eyes, but I took a step forward into their house anyway.  It’s a new year, things change right?

I was led downstairs by his mother who would not stop talking. She ranted on and on about how her kid was so popular, but didn’t know where to focus all his energy. She talked about his past boyfriends, and then her past boyfriends, hten started telling me about her husband’s affair of which she knew was going on, but didn’t have the balls to say anything to him. Afterall it’s not like she really cared, if she had it her way she would’ve married a man named Derek Stein, who is now a teacher happily married to her best friend.

Quite frankly I don’t even know if she knew where she was going. Make twist after turn, it seemed as if the only thing she was concerned with was her twisted stories of how she ended up being rich by marrying a man she never loved. The worst part about all this was I wasn’t even sure if she was just a naturally open person, or if she was just that drunk that she would tell me her entire life story. At a certain point I just stopped nodding and acknowledging, because it was clear that what I did, didn’t matter. She just needed another ear to hear her. And perhaps catch  her if she became too drunk to walk.

Finally she ushered me to a door.

“Ok, sweet thang, they’re all in there.”

I heard a couple of muffled noises, but nothing too much. By the time I turned around to thank his mother she was already gone muttering to herself things, that I probably didn’t want to hear, and she wished that she had never said. I twisted the door knob and all was silent as I walked in. There were about five kids, not including Jeremy, sitting on a couch with game boards and DVDs spread across them.

“Ahh Puck you’re here! Black Jack or Twister?”

“Ermmm….” what was going on here? I expected something completely different. Before me sat four boys hungrily devouring cold pizza slices, and a girl with long black hair, dressed in a black long sleeve shirt and a floor length long black skirt. She was petite and Asian, and strangely I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. There was something oddly distinguished about her. Elegant in a tasseled sort of way.

“Black jack!” Screamed out a boy I only knew was nicknamed Smoke. Notorious for his constant supply of weed, yet he has never been caught smoking. Some say dealing is his family’s business so he’s not allowed to smoke, others just say he’s really sneaky about it. My perspective on it is who cares? He’s just bad news isn’t he?

“Twister’s too homo,” he continued. I flinched as I remember that I hated that word. “I don’t want Adam poking up my butt.”

Adam a cute little red head, that played the guitar and wrote his own music. Talented, he has the voice of an angel, and brought the house down at our school’s cabaret night.

“I too don’t want any perves finding an excuse to touch me,” replied the goth Asian.

“Who would want to touch you!” said smoke looking instantly repulsed. “You look like the result of Spencers and Hot Topic coming together and having a super goth/sexed up baby. You’re filled with dildos and satanic symbols.”

“If only you knew…” she said with a serious face. I couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or not. One thing I knew, is that she is one girl I would never want to mess with.

“Black Jack it is!” replied Jeremy.

I’ll finish what happened later, because I’m wayy too tired to finish this. It’s been a long, full and plentiful thanksgiving.

The other day I went to my psychaitrist and he asked me whether I’ve been writing on here everyday. I told her, not really, since I haven’t had anything to say. Well she said that wasn’t good enough, and that I should be writing every single day. So I’m about to leave for school, but I guess I’ll write about my weekend now, tha way I don’t have to write about it later.

Last night I got invited by Tom to go out with a couple of his friends. I didn’t want to go, because I’m not friends with any of them. Actually it’s more like they’re not friends with me. This one girl, Catherine, is absolutely horrible to me. In fact, I barely ever hear her call my name. She always yells out stuff like fire crotch, or something like that. She’s actually where I got the name peter pan from. I don’t know how she came up with it, something along the lines of being a “lost boy,” but it sort of stuck with me. I like the idea of being lost but never wanting to go back. Never wanting to grow up into a boring adult. I don’t mind being called Peter. I’d rather be called Peter than P.P. anyday.

So it was Tom, Catherine, and some other people. We went ice-skating at Grundy’s (it’s nearby). I love ice-skating, it’s probably the next best thing to flying. And that’s what I feel like…flying. Eveytime I put my skate on the ice, I feel ike rushing as fast as I can to et to the other side, just so that I can glide with my arms outstretched, and breathe deeply. I let the cold air rush through my hair, and I take off my mittens so that I feel completely numb.

Have you ever had an outer body experience?

It’s like that. It’s like at that moment your soul has left you body, and you’re watching yourself from above, just like Ebeneezer Scrooge. You see the lovers holding hands, the kids laughing and playig games, and then you see yourself. Gliding with your arms wide open. You laugh because you look like an idiot, but  you feel like crying, because you believe you’ve never seen a moment quite like this. Out of all moments this has to be the most…infinite. Yes infinite.

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